This article is about parenthood. Sammy broke a vase, but we worked together to turn it into a bonding experience. Oh, and the vase also got fixed!
If you’re a parent… stuff you like will accidentally get broken – by your child… it’s going to happen… and before I go on and say anything else, remember… it is ok. The way I see it, it’s just stuff… and how you handle the situation after the “incident” will make a huge difference on your child’s upbringing. Yeah, you might be mad because the broken object had a sentimental and/or monetary value. Now, for the sake of this particular argument, we are not talking about willful property damage or destroying a priceless item for the purpose of desecration, or an act of vandalism. I’m taking about your child accidentally breaking objects most of us have around, like plates, or vases, pictures, stuff like that.
The sense of guilt.
Sammy and I were having brunch in our dining room. As we were eating, she spotted a small ball (about 7″ in diameter) she was playing with the day before. It was very cold outside, so we were not planning on going outside right away. Suddenly, as she was eating, she got up and sort of kicked the ball inside the foyer by our living room. I asked Sammy “come back, eat your food,” she did and… sat down right away. But as a kid, she was still excited about the ball… after all, she has happy memories of us playing with that exact ball just the day before.
She took a couple more bites, and then I saw her get up again… and immediately after – I’ve heard the “sound…” you know, that sound when something falls, and it is followed by that “crash.” Hindsight is always 2020, I should have said “don’t kick the ball inside the house” – after all – she is very obedient if given the actual direction. She is only nine, and I am in my early 40’s. I should have been clearer.
I heard Sammy softly giggling, not with malintent, but she does know that normally I don’t freak out about minor stuff breaking out (I don’t sweat the small stuff). And quite frankly, she has not gotten in trouble in a very long time. Actually, as I sit here, I cannot remember when it’s the last time she got in trouble – for anything. As with any accident, everything happened in a matter of seconds. I immediately got up and went to see what just had happened. My first worry (not surprisingly) was that there are no sharp pieces that could hurt my kid. I saw her standing there with that innocent smile she knows melts my heart… and right next to her on the floor was the vase that’s 1/4 her size on the side. Apparently, the damage was minor, and most importantly Sammy did not get hurt.
I calmly told Sammy to get back to the table. I started picking up the pieces and put them up. This vase – I don’t recall it being very expensive, but I did buy it when I lived in Italy as part of our décor. As she was seeing me pick up the pieces and putting them in a safe place, I could see in her facial expression she realized what she had done. I didn’t raise my voice; I didn’t freak out… I just went back to the table, caressed her little head gently (she was wearing a pretty wool cap), and make my way to finish the meal. Sammy was looking at me from the opposite side of the table, where she normally seats.
I just told her “Sammy, finish your food, we’ll fix it after we eat.” I saw her little face quietly fighting tears, and she quietly start sobbing. I could clearly perceive she knew she made a mistake, and she was feeling very guilty about it. It really hurt me more to see her sad. The broken vase is an object, my daughter is a sentient being with emotions.
I immediately gave her a hug, as she sat there with tears in her eyes. As I embraced my child, she just put her little head against my belly. She held me tight, and I told her “Don’t worry Sammy, we’ll fix it together,” and as she held a little tighter, I told her “It’s ok Sammy.”
We are a team!
We finished our meal (we were almost finish eating by the time this whole incident happened anyway). I asked Sammy to help me set up the place where we can fix the vase. We put a few newspapers on the table, then I brought the vase and the broken pieces. Sammy sat in one of the chairs paying attention to what we were doing. I got a couple of thin paint brushes and some glue. Mind you, not the best glue for this particular project… but I knew timeliness was essential to this valuable parenting moment with my child. Quite frankly if this was any other type of accident, say if I dropped it while cleaning the place, I would have either done it myself, or even get rid of this object… if worse came to worst (for example if it has shattered in a million pieces). But fortunately, the damage was mild enough that we could put it together… like a puzzle.
In a calm, gentle voice, I showed Sammy how to stage the glue, and looking at the pieces as a puzzle, and showed her how they come together. The lesson to Sammy is that no matter the mistake, as her dad she can count on me to help he fix the situation… together. Sammy once again, as we were doing this, she felt guilty and started sobbing. I embraced my child, as said “It’s ok Sammy, look, we are fixing it together.” Her little face lifted up, and gorgeous eyes brightened up, and she attentively continued seeing the process as I was gluing and holding the pieces.
As the vase started to “retake shape” – Sammy once again quietly started sobbing. I got her by the hand, and showed her… “look Sammy, it’s getting fixed, we are doing it…” She looked at it attentively, looking at every scar in the vase, at the expansion of the glue, how these pieces that were separated, now are united again. The object showed signs of what have happened, now there was a story behind this vase for both of us. A moment to bond as father and child, she knew that we could make things better, and understands that after we make a mistake the correct course of action is to work on rectifying it. A vase will never be as valuable as having my child know she can trust her parents.
I wanted my child to know that she does not need to hide her mistakes from me, she knows she can trust me. She understands that there is a lesson behind any incident, and that if there is a solution – we can reach it, we’ll work on it – together. She knows that there is accountability, and affronting our shortcomings head-on takes courage, and can be difficult. But that’s why we come as parents, to nurture, to make our child stronger, so they can become better after a shortcoming in a manner that will help them grow. And sometimes they can only grow if you can push you child out of their comfort zone but measured enough to prevent them from thinking twice before reaching on to us – because of an overreaction to a minor incident can break that fragile trust.
She knows how much I love her, and that she means the world to me. I want her to understand not to run away when she fails, to be resilient, but at the same time to know she’s loved, that there is compassion, empathy, and things can be best solved when we step out of the situation, assess the plan of action and bring it to a timely solution — without rushing into knee-jerk reactions (which are often accompanied with uncontrolled flaring emotions).
© Marcelo Baqueroalvarez / HLC | Fixing the broken Vase – JAN 2021 VA, USA
What happened next?
Sammy learned her lesson; she has been very careful. Even when she gently taps the flowers that live in the vase. That day, we did end up playing with her ball — in the appropriate place and made some new memories. I was not going to let one setback destroy other the memories she treasures. Later that day Sammy was smiling and going back to her old self. We worked on her schoolwork, she was very focused, and did her best. And after that she asked for permission to go painting, on the very same table where we have just shared our bonding moment, creating a new memory – together.
Today the vase is back on its rightful place in our living room. At some point I’ll work on fixing the “scars” – by shaving the excess glue… and maybe do something the Japanese call “kintsugi” or “kintsukuroi – which means “golden repair.” Essentially, it is an art form that brings pieces of broken pottery by closing the seams with liquid gold or silver… an art form on this own right which brings reminder that the scars left a story of overcoming an obstacle. I don’t think Sammy needs to be present whenever I venture myself into that – mainly because I have no idea if I’ll be able to pull it off… or if I can even get liquid gold… maybe I can use gold paint? And I’d rather don’t make Sammy feel sad about the vase again… unless she wants to join me during that process – for the sake of art. I will leave that up to her as she grows up. It is not like I plan on doing this next week. Meanwhile, it does not bother me seeing the scars on the vase, they remind me of this parenting moment, and hopefully a happy memory of trust to my beloved child. HLC