Remembering my Mom on her birthday

 

Birthdays are a bid deal for me; yet I have to admit that it can be very painful, and I can’t celebrate when it was a day for a loved one who had passed away.

 

Memories are fleeting moments.

Happy Birthday Mom, wherever you might be.  Today my mother would have celebrated her 75^th birthday.  Instead, it has been eight years since she passed away while still in her sixties.  She died at her home in the City of Quito Ecuador surrounded by most her children.  All except for me, I was unable to be by her side on her final hour, though I tried.

That’s a very long story I rather not tell today.  My mother was terminal already three years before her last breath.  Because of her condition she was unable to get in a flight.  That is another reason why my brother moved back to Ecuador, to ensure she would have the care she needed.  When my mother found she was unable to fly again she was visiting Ecuador at the time.  Fortunately, our family home existed, and she was able to live in a place she could call her own.  Especially as the nurses took care of her 24/7.

Sadly, even if it was possible for my mother to come to USA at the time, the cost of healthcare she needed for those years would have been prohibitively expensive – and for a lot less than what she was getting.  It was a tough decision, but in reality, none of us had any choice but to make the best of the situation.  My mother was also well aware of this situation, and she agreed to the plan.  Again, neither of us had any choice.

She passed away as her health deteriorated for a few years – a month exactly before her birthday.  If you’ve ever been around me during certain points of the year – such as the anniversary of her passing, then you will know that I mostly prefer to keep to myself.  Even if I am in a crowd or have to talk about something.  Which is another reason I would prefer not to post an article or anything else for that matter.  Although I can’t stop life from moving.  It is always a day of reflection for me.

I have a few significant days like that every year.  Sometimes I get bounded with guilt – and to be honest, I don’t want to change that feeling.  It is that important to me to honor these solemn moments.  I don’t intent anybody to agree with me on that.  But I do find some solace in the fact I have moments of quiet remembrance and contemplation.

 

Remembering my mother.

My mother was a pretty unique person.  She functioned with a very wide range of emotions.  She was one of the most caring and sweet people you could ever meet, and simultaneously she was also the most complicated person I’ve ever met.  Most times I know she meant well.  Especially when it came to her children.  None of us are perfect, and hindsight is always 20/20.  I do miss her a lot, and although I try not to think much about it – because it does consume me inside… today is her birthday, and the least I can do is voice it out.

I’m not a particularly religious person – and neither was she.  So, I would not know for sure if “she is looking after me” from some vantage point outside the ethereal world.  It does not matter, because she lives forever in my heart and mind.  Though it has been almost a decade that I have not been able to really grieve her loss.  And it is not because I don’t care, but because, even after all these years, I am just not ready.

The cover photo for this article in fact juxtaposes this dichotomy.   The left photo is when the process to bring us to live in USA was finally over in 1995 – after so many years.  She was a very stern lady back then.  And on the right, years later in 2006 during the last time I visited Ecuador.  That piano was a gift from her and my grandmother to me for my 18th birthday in Florida.   When I joined the Navy the piano found its way to the family home in Ecuador, and still there to this day.  She used to love to hear me play… now just like that old photograph all those once wonderful moments seem like a faded memory.   time stops for no one; we cannot take for granted those moments as they are occurring.

A few weeks after she passed away, I wrote and composed a song on her memory.  I’m not going to play it and sing it on this article.  But I will share with you the lyrics.  And what you will find is that even though I can be chatty (admittedly).  I am a loss for words when it comes to this.

SILENT PRIDE
By: J. Marcelo Baqueroalvarez

On the day you live then die,
thoughtless words become the past.
No remorse for crying eyes,
was just a life who went to pass.

Found regret from silent pride,
the memories will fade the smile.
Turned to pictures I can’t hold on,
strike that clock and now she’s gone.

Close your eyes, you’re free at last.
Jn my thoughts you’ll be alive.

Now she’s gone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C4ZrJrXiTw

Whenever I think about this, I found myself back at a loss for words.  One of the biggest lessons my mother left with me is the understanding that time waits for no one.  So much I wanted to say is now a moot point.  It might resonate with other people, but she won’t be able to hear me anymore.  And I just wonder how much she would have loved seeing the world today.  I am sure she would have loved visiting my home and spend time with Sammy.

I am sure she would have loved reading all my rants, and she would ask me a million questions about what is it that I trying to say.  But she would have been so proud.  And knowing this makes my eyes well, because I very well knew her, and I knew her reactions.  I very well knew her comments – and she sure did have an opinion about so many things.  And she would be so funny about it.  I don’t know if she intended to be funny, but she was.

As I type this, I have my daughter in front of me.  Sammy inherited so many of my mother’s mannerisms.  Even though she was too young to assimilate those from her.  Sammy was still an infant the last time my mother was around Sammy.  I get to see in my child so much of her grandmother… even though neither would the realize it.

If my mother could see today the world through my eyes, I wonder what she would say.  My life has changed so much since her last breath.  I certainly have changed so much ever since she passed away.  I know also for a fact a lot of the things she used to fervently believe upon have been either condoned or challenged.  I wonder how deep our conversations would be.  We used to have some very nice conversations.  And other conversations would be more challenging – but I am sure every child could say the same when speaking with their parents.

I am one of four siblings.  She was an only child, and although we had aunts and uncles, they were not direct siblings to my mom.  My grandmother used to say that we were all her children, referring to my mother and her four children.  It kind of became our family inside joke, but we embraced it as such.  My mother was almost like an older sister for a long time.  We used to call her “Marcelita” or any rhyming way to call her name rather than Mom… some people might take pause on that, but it was endearing to all of us.  She actually loved that.

I am not going to go onto describe many anecdotes in this article – mostly because the message is to live life to the fullest, and don’t let something important unsaid.  Time stops for no one.   We certainly learned that hard lesson, and to this day I remind myself of that reality.  If you forget anything I said today, please remember this:  Don’t take your loved ones for granted.

Also, I prefer not to talk about many memories – because it is actually very painful to remember.  I know I will have to deal with that at some point.  Today is not that day.  Today instead is meant to celebrate her Birthday.  And to thank her for all the sacrifices she made through her life to give me the opportunity to have the life I have today.  We don’t get to choose our parents, but we do get to choose if we want to assimilate the lessons they leave behind.

I choose to be grateful for what she did, even if there is a lot we did not agree when she was alive.  All those disagreements are menial at best, we cannot change the past.  Therefore I rather focus on all the good parts.  I will keep the challenging parts compartmentalized.  I have learned from those lessons as well.  It is easy to find faults on whatever or whomever is not flawless – and the fact is that nobody is perfect.  But once we focus on the good parts hundreds and thousands of better memories come pouring in.  At least that is happening in my case.

And even the good memories bring melancholy, and dare I say sadness.  But as I said in my song’s lyrics.  A person remains alive in our memories.  I have millions of memories from my mother.  I cannot change the past – I keep repeating this because it remains true – and I need to tell this to myself as well… often.  But I can bring the best from these experiences and make it better for my loved ones.

Wherever you might be Marcelita. 

Other than the deep significance for today… today will feel just like any other day to most people.  Not for me though.  Of course, it would be irrational from me to expect anybody else to adjust their days to what is battling inside my heart and mind.  But what I can do is speak out loud – even if by “out loud” means in written form.

I do miss my mom.  And I wish she would be here to see all the good things that have happened after she left this world.  I know she would have enjoyed it very much, and she would have a lot to say – about a lot of things.  And I would have listened – even if there was a healthy chance I would disagree.  But we would be talking, and that is something we cannot longer do.  And it saddens me.

And it saddens me because the memories fade more and more every passing day.  And I wish that was not the case.  I have millions of memories, and not enough time to just sit down and revisit them.  Although I intent to do just that.  But I know for a fact that when that day arrives, I will not be ready to be around anybody else.  I know that I will go through an extreme emotions’ rollercoaster.

Wherever you might be now Mom, even if that is only in my mind and heart – and the minds and the hearts who loved you.  You’re missed and loved.  Love transcends life.  Where do we go after we die?  Ask that to 100 people all over the world and you will get possibly 100 possible answers – even if several of those answers are very similar.  To me, I will only say what I can measurably attest and what it is in my own heart and mind.

And those are the millions of memories, even the faded ones.  But it is not so much the actual memory of what happened – but rather of how you (in this case me) felt.  It is easy to let life move fast while are we left behind.  I’ll close by saying again, time stops for no one, and if there is something you would like to do or say, it is best to do it when you still have a chance.  Sadly, for my mom, a lot of what she wanted to say or do became impossible as her condition cut her life short.

Do me a favor, if you can – after you read this.  Just give a hug to your loved ones, or give them a call, check on them.  Take it from a person who cannot longer hug or give a call to his mother.  I am sure it will make their day to know they are appreciated.  Thank you for spending this time with me.  HLC