I missed my daughter’s birthday, and that is something that crushes me inside more than I can begin to describe. These are my thoughts about this day.
How I wish I was there with her today!
Today, a Sunday is my daughter’s Samantha 11th Birthday. Happy Birthday to my little girl! I am on duty and wish I could be with her right now. Although this duty day is far from busy, I am still required to be here. There is something to ponder as I am literally less than 14 miles away from her. It is not like when the ship was on deployment, and I was literally on the opposite side of the world.
But such is the life when your presence is required elsewhere. Last month I reached my 19th year mark in the U.S. Navy. Now I am working on factoring my retirement timeline. The process is long and more intricate that most people might imagine. My wife went through her retirement earlier this last year and it is definitely full of curves and sways. My focus is in ensuring I am not neglecting my duties onboard, whilst ensuring my family and my health are taken care of as I continue this transition.
On the medical realm, I’ve scheduled so many medical appointments that for one reason or the other have been pushed to the right for so many years. Yes, days turn into months, months turn into years… and before you know it, it can be a long time where important checks become lost in the middle of so many other responsibilities that seem to take precedence.
And as I sit here after lunch, and technically with free time – but still away from my daughter on her birthday I sit by this keyboard and ponder. How different is it going to be once my time is not controlled by an outside entity and can be controlled by my own judgement. And to be honest, I can control a lot of my time here – but there are some designated days – particularly duty days, where I am not able to exchange for time off. I am able to do that on other days. Funny how that works. That of course is not true everywhere in the Navy, it is more about the circumstances this particular ship is undergoing at the time I am typing this. Hey, things could get better or even worse next week. Who knows? But today, today it is my daughter’s birthday and though I can see from this widow on this barge, which is tied next to the ship, the road that would drive me directly to our home. Yet, I will spend another night here. We are having back-to-back duty days. In other words, 48 hours duty, the entire weekend.
Tomorrow will be Monday; I have plenty of other medical appointments I’ve scheduled so I’ll be gone essentially in just a few hours after I wake up. The appointments are all over town so there will be plenty of driving and waiting as I make my way from one spot to the other. Before I leave, I am getting all my work done. That’s how I’ve invested the weekend time onboard mostly,
And I ponder, as I sit here there are a couple of people looking at their phones in the table in front of me. We are here in the same room – we are all doing our own thing. Nothing essentially wrong about it. I needed to get my thoughts in this page, so I prefer it that way. To be honest, the only person I would like to spend time with is Sammy today. I know Sammy enjoys my company and we have a lot of fun together.
Right now, as I type this, at least Sammy is with her mom, my wife Alicia. They will have a girl pampering time. So that makes me happy. These moments don’t return. I was just looking at photos of Sammy when she was a little girl, even last year she looked so much smaller. Now, she looks like a little young lady. She grew so much the time I was gone on deployment. She changed so much. And the deployment separation did a lot of damage to her.
That’s what I continue to ponder as I sit here. It is not how it affects ME; it is how it affects HER. And I know it does affect her in a negative way. I’ve seen the patterns and I realize how it can be taxing on her mind and soul. She’s resilient, she’s strong. And I admire her candor even when she’s been so used to be subject to so much disappointment. Though I spend all the time I can with her, it is never enough. Most every weekend had been cut short one way or the other. And this time – her actual birthday – has been also cut short for her.
They say that when we have reached the time to retire, we’ll know it. I think this time has definitely reached. It has been the adventure and honor of a lifetime. And 20 years which is 1/5 of a century is long enough. It is all by timing, we are not getting younger. Time stops for no one, and I am no exception. Things we take for granted today, tomorrow will only be a faded memory. Moments we share with our loved ones today, tomorrow it might be impossible to recreate.
There are going to be circumstances we can control, and others we cannot. Then the best alternative is to control whatever we own. What I end up doing on Friday afternoon, was to dedicate it as a day for Sammy and Dad. Even though the night would have to be cut short because I would have to be reporting for duty early I the morning, at least those few hours were uninterrupted attention to my little girl. And except for a few cell phone photos to remember the moment, it was just about experiencing the moment with our favorite activities.
Doing what I can for my little girl.
Sammy wanted a burger, but then changed her mind and asked for steak. The weather was not favorable that day, so we did not feel it was safe to go too far. Yet, we stopped first in Red Robbins for a burger, fries and milkshake. Unfortunately, the wait was going to be too long in Red Robbins, so we decided to try something else. Sammy chose steak, and luckily very near there was an Outback Steak House. There was a table ready right away and Sammy ordered her steak and fries. This time she wanted sprite, so be it. She was the birthday girl, and she chooses what she likes.
We had a lot of fun hanging out, she tore up her steak and cleaned the plate. More evidence that my little girl is growing and with this growth spur so is her appetite. I’m just happy that we were able to spend time and I even for these small moments I am able to afford her the opportunity of choice. Control at least a little bit of her time and decisions. Especially because those are her time and decisions – especially time together seems to be dictated by extrinsic forces. For example, work, schedule, or any other responsibility.
Sammy’s been taking the back seat with so much grace and poise for so many years. I just don’t want her to be in the back seat any longer. There are so many time parasites that keep standing between her and my time with her. And although I know I’m not alone with this feeling in the world, I still don’t want this to be an inevitability for my daughter. Meanwhile, all I can do is try to make each little bit of time together as special as possible.
After dinner, we just dropped a take-out from Outback to my wife back at home as she was trying to do some preparations for this pre-birthday celebration. Unfortunately, the ice-cream cake Alicia ordered never arrived. But we did not find that until it was too late. Hindsight is always 20-20, but there was not much we could do. Alicia eventually went to the store and got her a nice cake festive slice so Sammy could blow her candles. But before all that happened at the end of the evening, I was still with Sammy in our little outing around our area. We could not afford the time to be too far away, and as I mentioned the weather did not look like it would cooperate either.
Sammy’s been craving jellybeans for a long time, and we’ve looked for them. Unfortunately, it seems that whenever we went to the store, they just ran out each and every time we were there. But this time we were committed to get the Jellybeans for their birthday. In previous birthdays, I realized that it is always best to let Sammy choose what she wants. When I do that, she’s grateful and she plays with whatever toy she chooses for – pretty much forever after. A shopping spree, it is tradition.
Sammy does have a lot of cool things in her room. Testament of her likes and wants and her personality. Her room is decorated in the way she likes it, and that makes me happy. I can see her personality through her choices of toys and arrangements. So, the good news is that I don’t need to spend copious amounts of money to get her what she likes. It is not about the spending; it is about the experience and the ability of giving her choice.
That’s what I really want her to have – just an opportunity to have choice without unreasonable restrictions. So, we went to the 5-below store. I love those stores because there are plenty of cool, interesting, and useful things available. Sammy got her basket and went through the aisles. She would observe and grab whatever got her attention. She did not just grab everything off the shelves… but she did enjoy the freedom of choice.
Of course, as we got to the area where they have Jellybeans, she got a whole variety of options available. All in all, we did not spend much money – maybe just north of $60.00 in the store. And of course, once we got home, she played with the toys she chooses and enjoyed the experience.
Some of the toys are sensory, some are funny, some are more traditional such as dolls. But she also got a new hairbrush, and other little things she wanted. And of course, plenty of candy options. Now, she knows she’s not going to chug all the candy in one sitting. But she knows that it is her stash and she’ll get to enjoy it. She has temperance about that too.
Once we got home, while mom went to the store to get the cake after the delivery failed us – we hanged out. One of our fun activities is to share an entire bag of Jellybeans. It is a fun time, and as she got different unusual flavors it makes so much more exciting to taste different combinations.
As mom returned Sammy thought she would be done for the night, but as soon as we called her for her cake and blowing the candles, she was happy just to spend that little bit more time together. For that little moment there was no rush, it was just us as our small family enjoying those moments together. Sure, enough this short time together came to an end as the duty day approaches. So, it was only nighttime and then going back to bed and ready for this weekend-long duty days.
As I woke up and made my way to the car, I could see her in the security camera that she was also awake and up & about. As I drive off, I could not help but wonder how much different I wish her birthday weekend would have been. I can’t change that… but I can plan for the future. And my plan is to spend as much time as she’s allowing me to spend with her.
Friday was Veterans’ Day, and as veteran family and myself who remains in active duty, I can attest for what it means to wear the uniform. But remember, that when there are family members, the uniform member might be the one putting the cloths of the nation, but their entire family serves along them. Military children as these unsung heroes, as they are often the motivation for us in uniform who have a family to continue moving strong.
With that said, every good story comes to an end. And my time in uniform is nearing completion. The U.S. Navy will continue with or without me. But my daughter has only one dad, and I need to remain strong for her. The trope “the family did not come in the Sailor’s Sea Bag” is shortsighted and loses focus on what makes us unique. A Sailor is not only one person, but rather the combined force of those loved ones near and dear to him or her. Once all people in charge get that through their heads, they will finally be able to maximize the greatest resources of them all. Our people’s time – time is the one thing no one can never get back. HLC