I’ve been married to the love of my life for more than a decade, and we’ve been together for almost two decades! My wife has been there for me this whole time!
Putting this life story into perspective.
Today is an interesting day. Technically is my 12th wedding anniversary with Alicia, though due to a technicality we count the 17th as the day we celebrate. More on that shortly. Yesterday was my 19th anniversary since I joined the U.S. Navy. There is so much to think as I am getting to this point in my life. It is like the inevitable new chapter is coming near, and it is becoming more and more prominent in my life. That is good news actually.
So, let’s break out the latter first since it affects pretty much everything else. For the U.S. Navy, a person is eligible for retirement once a service member reaches 20 years of active-duty service. Technically, at my rank I could stay up to 26 years if I did not advance any further… there would be some additional stipend as retirement pension. Worth it? For many people it is. My goal was always to stay no more than 20 years.
As I type this, I am a Senior Chief – for the rank scale on my career path is goes from E-1 through E-9 so I am in E-8. When you reach E-6 or First-Class Petty Officer, you could retire if you reach your 20 years of service. There are many factors that affect advancement and retention in the Navy. In my case, because advancing to the E-9 in the rank scale would require me to stay about three years longer in service – that is something I am not intending to pursue. There was silent promise I made my daughter, that once I reach 20 years of service then I will return home.
Yesterday I woke up from duty. Sammy was already up; I dedicated the rest of the day for a daughter-dad day. We have not had any of those in so many months. At least not on a one-one. We did have some family days after I returned from deployment. But for the most part Sammy was already back in school by the time the ship returned from deployment. In other words, physically there was no time to spend uninterrupted quality time or being under time constrains. For anybody who did not know, the ship I am assigned to at the time I write this article is the world-famous USS COLE. The ship was deployed for nine-plus months.
It has been very busy after we returned, and this next year promises to be very hectic for the ship and crew as well. So much had happened since the first day of December in 2001 when we departed. Of course, before that the ship was also exponentially busy, so there was not much of an opportunity to spend time with Sammy. My daughter would always be very sweet and caring whenever I could spend time with her. But the fact remains, it felt more as though I was visiting my own daughter, rather than raising her. Around the same time my wife Alicia was getting closer to retiring from the U.S. Navy herself. She has been retired since then, but there are so many lessons we’ve gotten from this process. I’ll just mention two for now, because I intend to expand on what I mean by each.
First lesson, time moves extremely fast and there is so much to do, and the allotted time is never enough. Second, once the Military Service chapter is over – it is over. Life continues out of uniform, though the memories and experiences will be cherished.
Alicia retired in May of this year, but there are a still – right now – in October some procedures that are in pending status. I have made to my chain of command very clear that my intention was to start the process this month so I can be able to transition out of the Navy. And the understatement of the year is to say that there are a lot of requirements for this to occur. Medical, administrative, scheduling, are just some of these very intricate processes that need to take place. I have started the process, though at the time I type this there is not an actual date for my retirement – I am very much in my window to get this milestone in my life enacted.
The Navy as any other service will continue their mission regardless of who stays or leaves the ranks. It is designed to be that way. This entire process has been a very humbling and unparalleled adventure. I am grateful for all the opportunities and the impact I was afforded to contribute all these years. But like any good story there is an end to the book and mine is getting closer to the last page. My commitment is to help the generation that will remain serving after my uniform won’t be my daily regalia.
There is this knowledge that I’ve heard from many veterans – particularly Navy veterans. “At the end of the pier it will be your family who will be waiting for you.” I am extremely fortunate that I indeed have a family who literally have waited for me at the end of the pier, and they were at the end of the pier to wave me goodbye when the ship moved in/out of port.
There is an obvious realization. A service member is not a monolith – they are the product of their loved ones too. And I say the product and not the sum, because these loved ones are multipliers in our lives, not just an addition. Likewise, missing them divides us in so many ways we might fail to realize when we are in the midst of enduring the challenging moments.
When you have a family, you’re not the only one serving in uniform. Your family serves along with you. It might be you the one spending the night away from home, but they are there also filling the void in their own space. Spending time with Sammy made it once again so evident on her reliance and how hard this entire time of being away has been for her. For example, just by the way she holds my hand with so much love and tenderness and won’t let it go – just as another way to demonstrate that she does not want me to leave again. And gone I’ve been for years – even in shore duty. It is just more obvious now that have been back onboard a ship.
Some of the more cynical people might say the shortsighted and tone-deaf trope “your family was not issued in your sea bag.” I’ve heard that moronic phrase ever since I was a junior Sailor. Usually those who uttered that expression also had one or more failed marriages or had no human dependents whatsoever. Some maybe had a petting zoo… but otherwise had no one waiting for them at the end of the pier. Or if they did, those loved ones were more relieved if this person was away. I have no shortage of stories of people like that – estranged children or marriages which had ended unamicable. In my case I have my wife and daughter and we love spending time together.
With this context, I guess my position is that I don’t want to continue forcing my daughter being in the back seat. I have been preparing for this departure for several years. There were investments I set in place years ago, both time and skill to take care of my family in a way that is comfortable and sustainable. So, I am actually not scared about the future, I am very much looking forward to our next chapter.
And of course, I realize that my tenor might be seeing almost as though I am running for the door. Maybe, 20 years is a very long time. If we use some superficial statistic in the U.S. life expectancy is ~78 years. Neither my mother nor my grandmother made it anywhere near that far. I’m not saying that I will be the same. But just because you live several years, that does not mean that you will have the same energy and drive to do what your heart desires in your twilight years.
I was 25 years old when I joined. Before that age, my life was actually very interesting – but it felt like it was incomplete at that time. I was in need of changing gears, have a different chapter. Most people join the military right after high school – I was already an “old man” by the time I started this adventure. Now, just a year shy from reaching the goal of 20 years I feel like it is the proper time to shift gears again.
There are of course great differences. When I first joined, the vision I had for my military career did not go exactly as I planned – If I’ve known then what I know now perhaps my career would have been even better. But I am not mad about that, because the challenges actually showed me how much versatility existed within me. For instance, I thought I would stay in uniform for a maximum of four years, if that. Also, I was looking to become a Fighter Jet Pilot, working my way there as a Journalist in the Navy. Neither of those came to be, and I am actually happy they did not. Every challenge and milestone have left a colossal lesson behind.
Also, the happiest moments of my life happened while in uniform. I married the love of my life, and we had our daughter. These are my two girls – they mean the world to me.
Also, the saddest moments in my life happened while in uniform. I lost the three women who raised me, and I was unable to be there for neither of them – I won’t go into details, but every case is service related to the uniform. My grandmother who raised me as a mother – I arrived two hours late to her last breath while she was calling my name. Years later my mother also passed after long illness that spanned more than three years, and I was not able to be by her side either. Shortly after my great-aunt – my grandmother’s older sister also passed away. In every case I was unable to be there by their side in their last moments or even the moments leading to their final hours. I saw my mother and great aunt’s last breath through my iPhone… while being several countries away. The three ladies understood the rigors of this service and accepted this as a fact. Nobody else who was not privy to the details ever understood my absence. My grandmother died in my first year of service in 2004, my mother joined her in 2015, my great aunt just a year after my mother.
We all have a very short time on this world. Some of us shorter than others, therefore the next chapter needs to be always better than he last. There is a lot more I will be able to control after I am no longer in uniform. It has been an honor and a privilege to wear this unform. As I transition out of service, I’ll just pass my best lessons learned to the next generation.
19 years later, I am ready, and I know my wife and daughter are ready to receive me very soon. HLC