Slowing down to be a dad to my child

 

Time stops for no one, and that includes us parents.  As I type this, I am just enjoying the moment with my daughter as she is taking a little break on her new rocking chair.  Times like this make me wish time could just stop and last forever.

 

Wishing some moments would last forever.

It is the day before Thanksgiving, Sammy had the day off.  I am lucky to be on leave (vacation from the U.S. Navy) until next week – since last week.  However, it has been extremely busy lately, which paradoxically it is a positive thing.   My wife Alicia is in the other side of the country visiting her family, so it has been only Sammy and I spending the last few days together.  We miss mom, but it has also given me an opportunity to be a “full-time Dad.”

Aren’t all fathers “full-time dads?”  Well, no – not really… at least I have not been able to claim such an honor for most of the last couple of years.  The call of duty is demanding, and I have spent most of the last two years far away from home.  I love my daughter and my wife no matter how far or close they are to me, but I have been physically away.  And that has taken a toll on them and me.  Therefore, these moments being with my child are almost magical as I am basking on these fleeting moments.

 

Only 24 hours in a day.

As I mentioned before, I am on leave from my primary duties in the U.S. Navy.  That DOES NOT mean that I’ve had actual down time.  In fact, it has been quite the opposite and as I said it is a good thing.  The day only has 24 hours, and these hours move extremely fast, especially when you’re busy.  It has been very busy – but it is a “good” busy.

If you’ve gotten a chance to visit my page and my social media sites, then you likely have seen plenty of articles and contents speaking about my debut book.  I won’t speak about it in this article, but I do have to admit it has been taking a lot of bandwidth, and with good reason.  I am very adamant about the book’s message, which is to help preventing this growing wave of authoritarianism and propaganda.  I am also grateful for all the support!  I’ll leave it at that for now, I promise.

And one of those reasons is because as I sit here, I always wonder if I am doing enough to leave a better world for my daughter.  When I was her age, I remember days seemed eternal.  And granted, she does have a lot of activities she enjoys to keep herself busy.  And I do my best to give her options to enjoy her days.  I’ll hang out with Sammy until she needs to take a break, and I will always honor her request.  It is part of her having agency and exercising consent.  We will be enjoying some more activities later, but this gives her time to enjoy her “me time” – even though we are sitting in close proximity.

For anybody who was not aware, Sammy has autism and as her Dad I’ve learned to understand her levels of tolerance.  I have to admit that my absence has not been beneficial at all for her development.  And I tend to experience an overwhelming feeling of guilt.  As a looming feeling that I am not doing enough for her.  Even if I do all I can.  But of course, when it comes to my daughter, I always want to raise the standard for what I am doing on her behalf as much as humanly possible.  Sammy responds very well to my parenting style (whenever I am not required to be away from home), and she is a very happy kid.  She never ceases to amaze me how observant she is, and the candor of her great sense of humor.

 

Today has been a good day with my child.

Today Sammy surprised me by wanting to paint again.  She has not painted any artwork in such a long time.  I actually have a lot of photos of paintings she has done in the past couple of years, I just have not been able to post them yet.  Hopefully I will soon.  But in any case, she has not felt compelled to paint in a very long time. She only likes to pain when “she is feeling it” – therefore I never force her to paint.   It is never advisable to force inspiration to an artist anyway.   Her expression is spontaneous.  She is not quite done with her painting; she has been adding different layers to her piece as she lets the painting colors to dry.

I never know what the final outcome is until she finishes.  She started with two layers of acrylic, and she was eyeballing her watercolor (maybe for mixed media like she’s done before) … we’ll see what she does.  I plan on posting an actual article on her piece.  We also “collaborated” a bit with the watercolors in a separate canvas.  Then she went back to listen to her favorite songs.  The painting is not finished yet therefore I won’t show it up yet, but I’ll make a separate article whenever she finishes it.

Sammy also loves solving her puzzles.  She picked up a couple 100-piece puzzles the other day we went shopping.  For a little bit she almost gave up when I was finishing some chores as she was working on her own. But we sat together and started solving the puzzle together, she surprised me on her very keen abilities to put that thing together.  Granted it was 100 pieces is not an overcomplicated puzzle, and it might be the dad speaking here – I was surprised how fast she solved it.  I mostly love seeing her focused and enjoying this time together.

Later we went to the store to do some last-minute grocery shopping in preparation for Thanksgiving.  Sammy loves going to the grocery store with me, she is always very helpful.  Although I do have to “pay toll” to her, in the form of one of those “Kinder eggs” that have a little toy included.  It has become a tradition that I am happy to observe.   However, today she changed her tradition and got a different type of treat.  In either case I gladly pay that “toll” – she is a good kid.  She even took upon herself to ring and bag the groceries.  Sammy is my only child, and I am always so grateful to be her dad.

Today has been mostly a “lazy day” – it was too cold and wet to go outside.  And our home is fortunately very cozy.  Sammy is a homebody like her mom and dad.  Actually, mom loves to go out and to stuff, but then get cozy as soon as she returns.  Sammy and I are similar to mom in that respect – but to a lesser extent.

In the evening she helped me putting all her clean laundry away.  We like to play “match socks” and she is very good at helping keeping the house nice and neat.  For dinner she wanted steak and fries.  She picked some mean-looking steaks, and I was very happy to cook them for her.   Since this was going to be a more “fancy” dinner than what we’ve been enjoying in the last few days, she surprised me by changing into a pretty dress for dinner!  She also made that gigantic NY-strip steak disappear in no time.

Now she is watching her favorite videos while I type this memory.  I need more days like this.

Enjoying just being a dad.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in these last few days spending time alone with my child.  There is so much I have missed about how wonderful my child is.  Every school day I had been getting her ready to take the school bus in the morning and being there by the time the school bus returned her home.  Simple things like that have been impossible for me to do in the last couple of years.  It is not like you can do that kind of activities when you’re floating in the middle of the sea onboard a warship.

But there is more to the story than simply seeing her go to school and return home.  I’ve enjoyed so much from our time together – even the little things, such making sure her lunch was ready to go, ensure she was properly dressed for school, or spending time before the school bus arrived.  It all seemed quick – but it was a phenomenal bonding experience.  Fixing her meals and snacks are those mundane things some parents might take for granted.  For me, like many others, who have to be away from home for extended periods of time these seemingly mundane activities are golden memories.

I feel as though I have learned so much more about my daughter in these last few days than in the last couple of years.  And yes, I have to reiterate that I’ve been gone – mostly floating on a warship – for the last couple of years.  The memories of the little girl who was waiting at the end of the pier are so distant to Sammy.   They are close to me, because I am the grown up – but her life has moved by leaps and bounds… and I missed a lot of it.

Some people who have a similar profession like mine (military or otherwise that require separation) can attest to this.  After so many extended periods of time away from home; it does feel like you are a visitor in your own house.  I have to ask my wife where stuff is stored, what does my child likes/wants lately.  And it is a humbling and heartbreaking realization to face the facts that there is so much you remembered as the way it was – but that it is no longer as such.  There is so much we are missing while oblivious to this fact.

Yet my daughter for many years accepted with poise and patience every moment until I returned home.  In the past I’ve seen her peek through the window as I drove off to work – even before the sun was up.  And she was there waving me goodbye, even though it was much earlier than her wake up time.  Soon these sad visions laced with separations will be just old memories.  And as I said I wish this time with my child will last forever… it is selfish I know.  I can’t stop the clock, but I can bask on these moments.

Every morning in the last few days when I went to wake my daughter up for school; I would softly say behind her closed door – “Hi little mama, good morning Sammy!”  Then she will just make a happy screaming, I hear her jump from her bed, and she opens the door with a very bright smile that melts my heart.  She then goes and starts her morning routine full of energy.  I cannot begin to tell you how energizing it has been for me to spend this time with my little girl.  These are rare moments I don’t take for granted.

In the last couple of years whenever I was home, she would be so jealous of my time with her.  And I was happy to oblige.  She would come with me to run errands around town.  As I was driving, she would seat next to me and would hold my hand with both her hands.  I would have to gently ask for my hand back so I could safely drive.  She would reluctantly agree.   And even though she would not say it out loud, it was her way of making a loud statement for me to not go away again.  She was staking her claim and wanting to ensure I was not gone – even if it was for a little moment.

As I wrap this article, I want to thank you all for spending this time with me.  Please let me know if you have a child and what is your favorite memory with your kid or kids.  Mine is every time I get back to homeport and my wife picks me up from the pier after a long underway, and Sammy grabs me by the hand, straps the car’s seat belt on me next to her and holds my hand to express she is happy we are together again.

Thank you again for joining me in this moment.  I am going to get Sammy ready to go to bed.  For any new parents out there, my humble advice is to live every day to the fullest with your child or children.  These fleeting moments will move very fast.  I can’t turn back on time, but I am committed to do the best I can to create a better present and future for my daughter.  I am sure every parent out there agrees with forging a better future for our children.  HLC