Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers out there. This article might feel sad for some, but this is my story. And I know that some people out there share their own.
From sadness to happiness.
I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that Mother’s Day brings very mixed emotions to me – as it has for several decades. My own mother passed away in 2015, a month shy of her birthday. She was on her late 60’s but she was in fact gone at least three years before her final breath.
Earlier this year my wife’s mother also passed away. This will be the first year she celebrates Mother’s Day after her mom’s passing. I know for a fact how hard that can be. And I know many readers out there also have felt this pain. And I very much know that when people wish a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” – people who have lost their mothers also experience those mixed emotions. Yet life moves on – but it still ties a knot on our throats.
But of course my wife herself being my daughter’s mother will deserve her own happy celebration. It is very hard to separate these feelings, because automatically millions of memories pour down on our hearts and minds. And while I am happy to celebrate my wife, and all other mothers out there, it is just an automatic reality that I will have those memories pouring like a tsunami. This has been happening every year for a long time – but still I would not dare saying I’m used to it” – because that would be untrue.
I would also be remiss if I did not acknowledge that my grandmother who raised me as a mother also passed away – she passed away in 2004, and her sister, my great-aunt who was like a pseudo-mother also passed away, but she died relatively a short time after my own mother’s passing. Wherever they are I hope they know they are missed and loved. Even though they can’t really hear me today.
HLC Remembering My Mother – www.halflifecrisis.com – Our Story
Mixed Memories from Mother’s Day.
For many years during my childhood I was raised by my grandmother and my great-aunt at my country of birth, Ecuador. At that time my mother was living in the USA trying to bring all her four children. She got a home in the USA ready for us, but the only thing preventing us from leaving was my father. You see in Ecuador the law said that both parents need to sign for any minor leaving the country. That is sensible – but he refused – for several years.
In fact, our family was fragmented for several years as legal battles occurred for that entire time. My mother was able to bring my sister and then my youngest brother the USA after lengthy court battles, but then my younger brother and I remained in Ecuador while we were all separated. My brother and I were lucky if we would get to see our mother for perhaps three weeks every couple of years or so. This went off for years. I can’t even recall how many Mother’s Days I spent with my mother being literally several countries away.
In fact, I only remember ONE Mother’s Day when she was indeed present. I was still in elementary school, or perhaps just shy of the equivalent to Middle School in the USA. In a previous trip when she came to visit us in Ecuador, she brought this electronic keyboard. This was MY first “piano” – since I was the only one from my siblings who played this instrument. And that Mother’s Day I performed in front of the school and all the mothers for Mother’s Day.
I taught one of my friends in school to play Fur Elise by Beethoven and I chose to play her favorite songs. One of those was the very first song I learned to play in that keyboard, which was “A Time for Us” from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack and this other song which I have no idea what’s the actual name, but according to my music keyboard teacher it was called the “fallen tree.”
Regardless that latter was her all-time favorite. Hence, I performed that song especially for her, and anybody else who was in attendance were invited – but the dedication was just for MY mother. This was literally the first Mother’s Day she was actually present. I remember her being on the front row on the school patio, I was wearing this very elegant olive-green striped shirt and matching green pants.
HLC Grandmother – www.halflifecrisis.com – Our Story
The 80’s were different times.
My mother was a trailblazer in Ecuador. No disrespect to my country of birth, but they were pretty behind the curve in a lot of social-enhancing solutions that the rest of the civilized planet was already enacting. Case in point, my mother was the very first woman who divorced her husband, and she also had her own business – a sweater-knitting factory.
This was actually kind of admirable, yet controversial in the country at the time. They say the fruit does not fall too far from the tree – her catch phrase was “I’m busy” – and guess who is just like his mother on that sense – this guy!
In any case, the relationship with my father was strained to say the least. I did not care much about that, but I have to admit that I did feel some sense of jealousy to see in all these events where both parents were together as a family. In my case my mother [justifiably so] could not stand my father, and that among many other reasons led to their divorce. But of course there is always more to the story.
As a fragmented family the reality is that she was always busy – as I mentioned. And all these social events used to tick her off. In fact, she used to get snappy even having to drive me to any place, being a birthday party, or any extra-curricular event, because that was indeed detracting her from what she was doing to make a living for us. Eventually she was offered a better position the USA, and she started the process of bringing us to America. That process took several years.
As the months and years continue moving forward, it felt like an eternity. Somehow when I was a kid a year was like a whole lifetime, – now a year feels like a blink of an eye. And between those key moments and celebrations in our lives, I can count with one hand the times my mother was present. I remember as a young kid when we had to “make a gift” for our mothers on Mother’s Day, but I did not have my mom anywhere near on the planet to give her this gift.
And with a child’s rationale at the time, it just felt wrong to extend this gift to my grandmother because she was not indeed my mother – I know it might sound counterintuitive, and even mean – and trust me, I loved my grandmother, but I knew who my actual mother was, even though my grandmother was raising me as a mother. Regardless, my grandmother would often get the gift that was intended for my mother, but doing so just felt off.
Many years when there were these Mother’s Day celebration at school, the mothers would come to the school and pick up their kids from school and go home as a family after whatever celebration was being prepared for them. These used to be a pretty big deal. Most of those years I was there by myself. I don’t want to sound selfish, but the fact is that it sort of feels the same way today. And this is not meant as disrespect to any mother out there, on the contrary – this is out of respect for my own mother.
I am sure she wanted to be present all those years we were separated. I very well understand how life can take you away from your loved ones, while you make all these sacrifices to forge a better future for your children. I just retired from the US Navy after 20+ years, and for my daughter’s entire lifetime I’ve been just like my mother “always busy.” Even now that I have recently retired from the Navy, I feel like the days just spring by.
Alicia, Samatha Baqueroalvarez
Moving Towards Happiness.
Obviously, I don’t want to end this article on a sad note. Although there is going to be nostalgia and sadness in my heart no matter how genuine my smile will shine. I don’t ask others to try to understand the struggle in my mind, because I don’t understand it myself – not fully anyway.
And even though I am very pragmatic; I don’t really want to “resolve” this feeling. You know why? Because to me it feels like I rob the humanity from my mother, grandmother, and great-aunt – all three women who raised me as a mother. And all of which died while I was unable to be by their side on their last breath. It makes sense to me, even if I stand alone on that feeling.
Yeah, I said it was not hoping to make it sad – I can’t help it though – It is reality for me, I can try to sprint to the moon, but I can’t run away from what happened in my life. But as I said, even though there is a tsunami of emotions and memories falling upon me, I have learned to compartmentalize these emotions. Today I’ll be celebrating my wife. And I am well aware her Mother’s Day is going to be lazed with sadness as well, because she misses her own mother.
I guess with all this emotional word-salad I’ve typed, my point is that many of us miss our mothers. And all of us wish we could celebrate with them today. We can still celebrate on their name, but it is just not the same. I’ve learned to live with this frustrating feeling, even when my mother was alive – but she was far away.
But the bottom line is that when you love somebody it does not matter how far they are from you, they resonate just the same in your heart. And time, distance, or physical presence are not as important, because they live forever in your heart and mind.
And I guess that is how I am wishing my mother, my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mother-in-law a Happy Mother’s Day. They might not be present on the flesh anymore, but they are loved and we remember them. And the larger message is that if you have a mother that is still walking among us, don’t take these moments for granted – because these moments are finite, and you never truly know what tomorrow would bring or take away from you. HLC
Sammy depiction of her world – Half Life Crisis www.halflifecrisis.com
I put on my military uniform for the last time on February 9, 2024 until I retire at the end of April. I finally get to spend quality time with my daughter.
The wait is finally over!
Only about 1% of the population in the United Sates of America has earned the privilege to serve in uniform, and have been authorized to wear the cloth of our nation. For a little over 20 years, I was one of those privileged few who have been authorized to serve. For the longest time, staying in uniform was very challenging, not just because of the actual required sacrifices linked to the military service, but because there were some force-shaping tools that were hellbent in discharging as many service members as possible.
To be honest, a few times my name (like everybody else’s) was near the chopping block because of these manpower policies. But based on my merit and performance I was able to make it above the cut. While all this was happening, I kept moving up in rank and finally reached enough tenure to be eligible for retirement. It is very humbling and almost surreal to see it from this perspective – as far as time is concerned. There are literally thousands, if not millions of memories linked to my service, and it would take me 20+ years to recount them all. But the coveted date finally arrived.
I joined the United States Navy when I was 24 years old, which is kind of late for many people who usually join after high school. By the time I started basic training I was already 25, and at that point I did not know if I was going to make it a full career. It was actually one evening while underway on my second ship USS LAKE ERIE CG 70, when my then-Commanding Officer was speaking with a few people in an area of the ship we used to call “Maine and Vine,” given by some novelty street signs we had placed in the ship.
The Captain was speaking with a few Sailors about reenlistments, and retirement, and asked me how old I was when I started bootcamp, and since I mentioned 25, making quick math he said, “so BeeZee (that’s me) can retire the Navy at the young age of 45…” and he was right. I am 45 now. So, in a way, ever since it was a goal of mine to reach the age of 45 and retire. Afterall, I have recently gotten meritoriously promoted to Second Class Petty Officer. And looking back, 20 years is a very long time, especially if you have been serving in the military. And to be honest, I left a lot of interesting projects on the back burner because of my military duties.
Fast forward a few years, and I married Alicia and a year after Sammy was born. I will be speaking in length about Alicia and Sammy in my articles, because there is so much to talk about them both… and they are indeed my whole world. In fact, the reason why I decided to retire wherever 20 years of service got me was because I promised as much to Sammy. Alicia, Sammy’s mom served for 24 years, but she retired from the Navy a couple of years ago. Yes, she joined the Navy before me. Being a dual military couple is very tough, especially on the family, and this of course means Sammy had to be very patient.
For so many years Sammy was patiently waiting for this quality time with either one of us. We dedicated to her all the time we could, but the call of duty would take us away from home for extended periods of times. In my case, for weeks and months at the time. I would return home and Sammy already looked taller each time. This was heart breaking for me as it was for her. But I am happy that that time apart is finally over.
As I type this article, Sammy and I have been spending some quality time. We have this nice couch in our house where she can pop a recliner, and we have been sharing a blanket as she is watching her favorite TV shows. Whenever it’s dinner time, she helps me enough, but I love seeing her clearing her plate. She has a very good appetite.
She also likes playing with my newly grown beard, and when she does, I could not be happier. We had developed a good routine, and the more time we spent together, the more I was amazed by how wonderful my daughter truly is. She is such a fascinating child, and the more I get to hang out with her, the more I see how beneficial this closeness has been for both of us. It was definitely well overdue.
After so many years of being away, and the countless times I saw my daughter looking at me from her bedroom window as I was leaving for work insanely early in the morning, I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that those days are over. Seeing Sammy’s saddening face as I was leaving every day was devastating. Yet, whenever I used to come back home, she would receive me with a big smile. I could see her smile behind the window from the street as I approached the house, she would then run to open the garage door for me, and wait for me to get out of the car to give me a big hug. It was the happiest part of my day.
Fast forward to the time that I finally have a different level of control over my schedule – in other words, not having to commute to work anymore, it is so liberating. But that does not mean that it is boring. Not at all. Although my house is very clean and well maintained, there are countless chores and other unfinished projects that I’ve been tackling little by little. And there is so much more to do. The good news is that they are no longer in the back burner, the bad news is that there are a bunch of items in my to-do list.
But every little line item I cross out makes me feel so much better. Especially when it comes to some projects that were just lingering, even if they were minor projects, like changing the rubber gasket in a faucet, or reorganizing a closet. These simple projects were put on the back burner for a long time, and finally I am tackling them down. For example, I had to replace a light bulb for a while, but I just didn’t have the time to climb on a ladder to do so for several weeks, because the bulb was so high up.
But the best part of the day for sure is when I get to receive Sammy when she gets off her school bus. The house becomes alive once again with her smile and her limitless energy. This kid has a lot of energy, I only wish I was as energetic as she is… but I do my best to keep up. But make no mistake, there is always so much to do at home, which makes me wonder how it is that I was able to do so much before I had this additional time.
The truth is that I never really had that much time, my catch phrase for years was “I’m busy” – that is still true today, but it is a “better” busy – if that makes sense. When I put my post about my last day at work, I received a lot of love from my friends, and family – it was very heart-warming then as it is today. I am so happy to be able to take care of my tasks without having to deal with a bunch of other stressors outside my control.
In fact, probably the most drama I have nowadays is when some people get rambunctious on the social media sites. But as I am moving into this new phase in my life, engaging in social media is part of my new life as an author. A lot of people I engage with are super cool, and once in a while I get a few people who clamor for a lot of attention, and some of those can be very frustrating to deal with. But fortunately, at my age I don’t care about external validation, but still, it can be taxing trying to process some of the stuff that they are saying. But fortunately, I can always look away and do something that makes me happy.
And to be honest, my house is super cool – I got all my cool gadgets and toys to enjoy. And making my house even more cozy is one of my favorite things to do. Having a nice comfortable home, or a place to work is always important to me. I have many places where I can sit down and enjoy my time at home. Either in front of my big TV, or in my bedroom, or the big jetted tub, or in my yard, or my home-office, my garden, or playing my musical instruments, or even painting what comes to mind on a canvas, it is awesome. And of course, I get to write, and love writing. And interesting enough, my favorite place to write is this… the very surface-pro tablet that I bought before my long deployment. I love this thing.
At home, one of my favorite places to sit is on my big couch in my living room. I have this “lap desk” where I prop my tablet and I can just type away, or design stuff where I don’t have to think too much while I enjoy my TV shows on my big TV. It is a very good feeling. I don’t really spend that much time outdoors because it is pretty cold out there right now, and the temperature inside my home is just perfect. For years I’ve had to deal with weird temperatures – therefore I’m indulging now that I can finally do so, and it is a good feeling.
When Sammy is at school, I do all the things we cannot do together, so I can be more productive. This includes errands, or other activities that are easier done without Sammy, such as phone calls, social media engagement, yard work, etc. Then when she arrives, my attention turns to hanging out together and doing activities that are both entertaining and part of her development. For example, we’ll do some combined chores, go for a walk, make dinner, fold the laundry, clean up the house. Sammy likes to be part of those activities. Then when we are done, we like to spend some time watching TV. This is actually part of her development, because we use images as a way to chat and laugh together.
Most importantly, it helps Sammy know that I am here and I am not leaving – as has been the case for many years. For years, Sammy was very patient while I had “to do something” – and I could not sit still for very long. Now, we make a point that we can sit for a while, sip on our favorite beverages. For instance, we have become big fans of fruit juices, and we like to try different flavors. And of course, we enjoy our candy! We have a cool tradition of opening a bag of jelly beans, or gummy bears, and we make a “shhh” sound, because usually mom does not like it when we have candy. But this is like our little [open] secret. And by the way, we don’t do that every day, but Sammy likes this tradition, so we keep it alive.
And no, this does not spoil her appetite. Sammy can eat a gigantic NY strip in one sitting, and make all the sides disappear. Not sure how she is able to pack all that food in such a little frame, but she does. And I’m glad she is enjoying it, because she has a high metabolism and she is still growing. That is good news, because she’s at an age that she can eat like a freight train and be ok. I’m at an age that I look at a cupcake and I turn into a balloon. But at her age I was able to eat an elephant and still be hungry.
And seeing this part of her is so refreshing. For many years, I felt as though I’ve only got to see some glimpses from my child as the duties and responsibilities kept me away. Sammy and I have always been very close, whenever I am around – but these long separations did create a lot of damage to her upbringing. She patiently waited at the end of the pier until I returned. She waited patiently when I had to finish projects for work even at home, she waited patiently when something work-related was robbing her the opportunity to spend time together. And even when we were together, there would be something interrupting. Being a phone call, text messages, etc. Yet, she patiently waited, now my little girl does not have to wait any longer.
Simple answer, it is great! But with that said, I am grateful and would be dishonest if I said I did not enjoy my time in uniform. True that this lifestyle is not for everyone. And I’ll be the first to tell you that the military is not the right fit for everybody. I won’t delve into all the reasons, because that can be its own article, or even its own book. But what I can tell you is that I’m happy I joined and even happier that I crossed the finish line.
The part I like the most is that I don’t have to commute. Yes, I can stay in my house, and travel the world via the internet if I wish to. I do have a nice yard, and sometimes I hang out there, but most of the day is pretty cold, therefore I enjoy spending time indoors. Also, because I do take different “chore breaks” – which is like a “reverse break” – what does that mean? Well, it means that I am doing something I have fun with, or even watching a movie, and take little breaks to do stuff I wanted to get done. It is fun, I recommend it. I’ve actually gotten a lot done because of it.
And the truth is that for many years I haven’t really had a no-kidding vacation. Every time I had off, or I was on leave, maybe I’ll have a day or two to just chill, but in reality, I had a bunch of stuff that I needed to address on that time when I was not “at work” – and that is another reason why some of those things have been accumulating. And I knew for a fact I could not tackle them, because it would literally take a few hours to accomplish. For example, I want to reorganize my attic. That is going to take forever, so I am first doing little tasks that I can knock down quickly.
And THAT has been therapeutic. How? Well, it is instant gratification. I do something, and it is done, and I don’t have to worry about it for a while. It is great! Other stuff does take longer, and I don’t’ believe in a “just get it done” type mentality. Why? Because that often does not really solve the problem, only patches it for a little bit. I like my problem-solving sessions to yield long term solutions. And that does take more time and effort. And of course, you have to make a bit of a new mess before you clean up the old mess. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but in my experience that is how it goes.
A big thing that I am doing with my new found free time is re-engaging in Half Life Crisis. Particularly on the social media platforms. Not all of them at the same time though, because engagement actually does take a long time. It might not seem like much, but just tweeting alone can make time move really fast. Not always in a fun way, but hey… I do get a lot of people to visit Half Life Crisis via Tweeter, so I guess it can’t be too bad.
However, all the groundwork being done right now will be laying the stage for many things that I’ve been getting prepared for a long, long time. And to be honest, a lot of the things I will be doing are in some form a continuation of my Navy days. Except that I am no longer subject to the many rules and regulations. For example, I haven’t shaven my face, and I am letting my hair grow. I can finally put back my earrings and there is quite a story behind each piercing. So, it is like bringing a tsunami of memories that make me remember who I was before I joined the Navy.
And that is a thing we don’t normally get to think about. Who were we before a chapter in our lives took us in a different direction? When I stop and think about it, the answer is both long and nostalgic. And little by little I’ve been remembering this. The other day I had the pleasure to have some conversations with childhood friends we have not spoken to in more than 20 years! And in their memories of me, I realized how much of me has both evolved and changed. Yet, I cannot help but realize the obvious. Time has flown and there is so much more of me left behind than I realized.
As I wrap this article, I want to reiterate that I am in the process of moving forward a lot of projects that have been put aside. I realize it will take a lot longer than I anticipated. But that is ok, because everything I am doing is getting me closer to reaching that ultimate goal. Meanwhile, I set myself a rule that when Sammy is home, she takes top priority on my span of attention. I’ve been doing that, and it is working great for both Sammy and me! HLC
HLC Day with Sammy – ww.halflifecrisis.com – Our Story
Time stops for no one, and that includes us parents. As I type this, I am just enjoying the moment with my daughter as she is taking a little break on her new rocking chair. Times like this make me wish time could just stop and last forever.
Wishing some moments would last forever.
It is the day before Thanksgiving, Sammy had the day off. I am lucky to be on leave (vacation from the U.S. Navy) until next week – since last week. However, it has been extremely busy lately, which paradoxically it is a positive thing. My wife Alicia is in the other side of the country visiting her family, so it has been only Sammy and I spending the last few days together. We miss mom, but it has also given me an opportunity to be a “full-time Dad.”
Aren’t all fathers “full-time dads?” Well, no – not really… at least I have not been able to claim such an honor for most of the last couple of years. The call of duty is demanding, and I have spent most of the last two years far away from home. I love my daughter and my wife no matter how far or close they are to me, but I have been physically away. And that has taken a toll on them and me. Therefore, these moments being with my child are almost magical as I am basking on these fleeting moments.
Only 24 hours in a day.
As I mentioned before, I am on leave from my primary duties in the U.S. Navy. That DOES NOT mean that I’ve had actual down time. In fact, it has been quite the opposite and as I said it is a good thing. The day only has 24 hours, and these hours move extremely fast, especially when you’re busy. It has been very busy – but it is a “good” busy.
If you’ve gotten a chance to visit my page and my social media sites, then you likely have seen plenty of articles and contents speaking about my debut book. I won’t speak about it in this article, but I do have to admit it has been taking a lot of bandwidth, and with good reason. I am very adamant about the book’s message, which is to help preventing this growing wave of authoritarianism and propaganda. I am also grateful for all the support! I’ll leave it at that for now, I promise.
And one of those reasons is because as I sit here, I always wonder if I am doing enough to leave a better world for my daughter. When I was her age, I remember days seemed eternal. And granted, she does have a lot of activities she enjoys to keep herself busy. And I do my best to give her options to enjoy her days. I’ll hang out with Sammy until she needs to take a break, and I will always honor her request. It is part of her having agency and exercising consent. We will be enjoying some more activities later, but this gives her time to enjoy her “me time” – even though we are sitting in close proximity.
For anybody who was not aware, Sammy has autism and as her Dad I’ve learned to understand her levels of tolerance. I have to admit that my absence has not been beneficial at all for her development. And I tend to experience an overwhelming feeling of guilt. As a looming feeling that I am not doing enough for her. Even if I do all I can. But of course, when it comes to my daughter, I always want to raise the standard for what I am doing on her behalf as much as humanly possible. Sammy responds very well to my parenting style (whenever I am not required to be away from home), and she is a very happy kid. She never ceases to amaze me how observant she is, and the candor of her great sense of humor.
Sammy and Dad Half Life Crisis www.halflifecrisis.com
Today has been a good day with my child.
Today Sammy surprised me by wanting to paint again. She has not painted any artwork in such a long time. I actually have a lot of photos of paintings she has done in the past couple of years, I just have not been able to post them yet. Hopefully I will soon. But in any case, she has not felt compelled to paint in a very long time. She only likes to pain when “she is feeling it” – therefore I never force her to paint. It is never advisable to force inspiration to an artist anyway. Her expression is spontaneous. She is not quite done with her painting; she has been adding different layers to her piece as she lets the painting colors to dry.
I never know what the final outcome is until she finishes. She started with two layers of acrylic, and she was eyeballing her watercolor (maybe for mixed media like she’s done before) … we’ll see what she does. I plan on posting an actual article on her piece. We also “collaborated” a bit with the watercolors in a separate canvas. Then she went back to listen to her favorite songs. The painting is not finished yet therefore I won’t show it up yet, but I’ll make a separate article whenever she finishes it.
Sammy also loves solving her puzzles. She picked up a couple 100-piece puzzles the other day we went shopping. For a little bit she almost gave up when I was finishing some chores as she was working on her own. But we sat together and started solving the puzzle together, she surprised me on her very keen abilities to put that thing together. Granted it was 100 pieces is not an overcomplicated puzzle, and it might be the dad speaking here – I was surprised how fast she solved it. I mostly love seeing her focused and enjoying this time together.
Later we went to the store to do some last-minute grocery shopping in preparation for Thanksgiving. Sammy loves going to the grocery store with me, she is always very helpful. Although I do have to “pay toll” to her, in the form of one of those “Kinder eggs” that have a little toy included. It has become a tradition that I am happy to observe. However, today she changed her tradition and got a different type of treat. In either case I gladly pay that “toll” – she is a good kid. She even took upon herself to ring and bag the groceries. Sammy is my only child, and I am always so grateful to be her dad.
Today has been mostly a “lazy day” – it was too cold and wet to go outside. And our home is fortunately very cozy. Sammy is a homebody like her mom and dad. Actually, mom loves to go out and to stuff, but then get cozy as soon as she returns. Sammy and I are similar to mom in that respect – but to a lesser extent.
In the evening she helped me putting all her clean laundry away. We like to play “match socks” and she is very good at helping keeping the house nice and neat. For dinner she wanted steak and fries. She picked some mean-looking steaks, and I was very happy to cook them for her. Since this was going to be a more “fancy” dinner than what we’ve been enjoying in the last few days, she surprised me by changing into a pretty dress for dinner! She also made that gigantic NY-strip steak disappear in no time.
Now she is watching her favorite videos while I type this memory. I need more days like this.
Enjoying just being a dad.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in these last few days spending time alone with my child. There is so much I have missed about how wonderful my child is. Every school day I had been getting her ready to take the school bus in the morning and being there by the time the school bus returned her home. Simple things like that have been impossible for me to do in the last couple of years. It is not like you can do that kind of activities when you’re floating in the middle of the sea onboard a warship.
But there is more to the story than simply seeing her go to school and return home. I’ve enjoyed so much from our time together – even the little things, such making sure her lunch was ready to go, ensure she was properly dressed for school, or spending time before the school bus arrived. It all seemed quick – but it was a phenomenal bonding experience. Fixing her meals and snacks are those mundane things some parents might take for granted. For me, like many others, who have to be away from home for extended periods of time these seemingly mundane activities are golden memories.
I feel as though I have learned so much more about my daughter in these last few days than in the last couple of years. And yes, I have to reiterate that I’ve been gone – mostly floating on a warship – for the last couple of years. The memories of the little girl who was waiting at the end of the pier are so distant to Sammy. They are close to me, because I am the grown up – but her life has moved by leaps and bounds… and I missed a lot of it.
Some people who have a similar profession like mine (military or otherwise that require separation) can attest to this. After so many extended periods of time away from home; it does feel like you are a visitor in your own house. I have to ask my wife where stuff is stored, what does my child likes/wants lately. And it is a humbling and heartbreaking realization to face the facts that there is so much you remembered as the way it was – but that it is no longer as such. There is so much we are missing while oblivious to this fact.
Yet my daughter for many years accepted with poise and patience every moment until I returned home. In the past I’ve seen her peek through the window as I drove off to work – even before the sun was up. And she was there waving me goodbye, even though it was much earlier than her wake up time. Soon these sad visions laced with separations will be just old memories. And as I said I wish this time with my child will last forever… it is selfish I know. I can’t stop the clock, but I can bask on these moments.
Every morning in the last few days when I went to wake my daughter up for school; I would softly say behind her closed door – “Hi little mama, good morning Sammy!” Then she will just make a happy screaming, I hear her jump from her bed, and she opens the door with a very bright smile that melts my heart. She then goes and starts her morning routine full of energy. I cannot begin to tell you how energizing it has been for me to spend this time with my little girl. These are rare moments I don’t take for granted.
In the last couple of years whenever I was home, she would be so jealous of my time with her. And I was happy to oblige. She would come with me to run errands around town. As I was driving, she would seat next to me and would hold my hand with both her hands. I would have to gently ask for my hand back so I could safely drive. She would reluctantly agree. And even though she would not say it out loud, it was her way of making a loud statement for me to not go away again. She was staking her claim and wanting to ensure I was not gone – even if it was for a little moment.
As I wrap this article, I want to thank you all for spending this time with me. Please let me know if you have a child and what is your favorite memory with your kid or kids. Mine is every time I get back to homeport and my wife picks me up from the pier after a long underway, and Sammy grabs me by the hand, straps the car’s seat belt on me next to her and holds my hand to express she is happy we are together again.
Thank you again for joining me in this moment. I am going to get Sammy ready to go to bed. For any new parents out there, my humble advice is to live every day to the fullest with your child or children. These fleeting moments will move very fast. I can’t turn back on time, but I am committed to do the best I can to create a better present and future for my daughter. I am sure every parent out there agrees with forging a better future for our children. HLC
HLC Grandmother – www.halflifecrisis.com – Our Story
I miss my grandmother, even though we did see the world from different perspectives as I was growing up. Yet I wonder what new conversations would be like.
Story time.
Sometimes I wonder how my grandmother would see the world today if she was still walking the Earth. Today is Sunday, February 5, 2023. It’s been about 19 years since my grandmother passed away, while I was away. Just shy of 20 years later and I can’t still forgive myself for it, nor can I get over it. And no, I don’t want to get over it either. There is a reason for it, it does not need to be rational to other people’s point of view – it only needs to make sense to me. And that gives me some sort of solace.
February 5th was her birthday. It has been 19 years, 6940 days since I’ve missed her last birthday back in 2004. She passed away the same year in late December in 2004. I’ve always gotten more stoic during this time of the year. Some people who know me might not notice, and whenever I can afford the opportunity, I prefer to be on leave and try to minimize my interaction with the world. I seek loneliness at that time of stoic reflection, yet I’ve not shed a tear. Though my heart breaks every day in a million pieces. It’s like a burning sensation that does not consume. It’s an abstract concept to describe, and I like it that way… It’s not masochism, yet it is painfully self-inflicted. But as I said, it is not rational – and it makes sense to me… and only me.
My grandmother from my mother side. She raised me since I was a baby in Ecuador. Even when my mother was always busy earning a living, which was often out of the country… my grandmother took that pseudo-mother place. As a child and being from that culture – we sort of took her presence for granted. Afterall, we all lived under the same roof; and when it is a close family the cohabitee tends to be normalized. Hindsight is 20/20 – but despite that, many found memories will forever live in my heart. These memories painted forever inside of me will also fade away when my final time comes as well.
But while I have the chance, I would like to take this moment to reflect upon that realization. There are so many fun memories to count; yet there are the ones we did not get to share are the ones that hurt the most.
This is how I find myself here. 19 years ago, I was fresh into the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was driving from Florida to Virginia in order to check into my first command. USS SEATTLE AOE-3… That ship is not around anymore either. I always found it interesting that it was my grandmother’s birthday when I was supposed to check onboard. The last time I saw her was when I left for the Navy. It was a Tuesday night, October 14, 2003. The recruiter came over to my home in Fort Lauderdale. He was in a government vehicle to take me to start the chapter of my life I’ve been living for the next 19+ years. My grandmother was the last person who saw me depart for the Navy. And really the only one who said goodbye to me that night.
I had a premonition that we would never see each other again. Though I thought it was going to be me the one who would not live long enough. Afterall, there were two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq at the time. Turns out, we did get deployed to the Middle East. My grandmother used to travel a lot. Normally she would be flying from Ecuador to Florida every so often. After I left for the Navy, and I returned for a little bit to pick up my car in Florida to drive it to Virginia – my grandmother was in Ecuador at the time. So, I did not get to see her ever again.
I did return a couple of times to visit my home in Florida after I joined, but for the most part the ship I was underway a lot. Subsequently we went on our six-month deployment. During this time my grandmother got increasingly ill, she moved back to Ecuador as her health deteriorated rapidly. My family did not want to worry me, so they kind of hid he worst of her illness to me. It actually took sometime past mid deployment when they finally told me that she was terminally ill, and she had not much time left. We just didn’t know how long she had.
When I’ve got the news, I was somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea. We spoke through a sat phone and I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. That particular chain of command was not very accommodating – or maybe they did not understand the circumstances… or whatever it was… I was not allowed to leave the ship. We were in the Mediterranean, and my grandmother was in Ecuador, and I would still need to make it to the East Coast before I could even travel. I was not asking for the Navy to pay for my plane ticket – but it did not matter.
The deployment was almost over, and we were still needing to cross the Atlantic Ocean towards Virginia. It takes a few days to do so. I pleaded to please let me go at my own expense. Specially because of the timing after the American Cross message arrived saying that my grandmother was terminal. I was not allowed… we crossed the Strait of Gibraltar – and though I could see the coast of Spain where we have a Naval Station and we had two helicopters onboard, I was not allowed to leave. The Navy at the time only considered a close family member one up, one down or one to the side. That means a parent, a child or sibling or spouse. Grandparents were not considered too close, even though she raised me. But that metric was really for mostly for funding a plane ticket, I did not want funding… I just wanted to fly out to see her.
The ship crossed the Atlantic, and then we made it to Norfolk… I was there in Norfolk for several days trying to leave. Finally, the day arrived – frustratingly felt so easy in a way, after waiting for so long. I spoke to my grandmother, she was agonizing… she would say repeatedly in Spanish “asomate” which translates to “come over” as her voice was strained and weaker and weaker. Finally, I was given a letter and approved my leave to depart… after buying the ticket the same day from Norfolk to Ecuador. There are no direct flights from those two places. This was the very same day just earlier in the morning.
In a haste I was able to pack some quick things, I did not even get a chance to change my uniform’s steel-toe boots. The duty driver drove me from the base to the airport and immediately I got on the plane the departure time was just a few hours after I purchased the ticket that same day. The plane would fly from Norfolk to I think San Antonio, TX. Wait there for several hours, and connect to a flight to Quito, Ecuador where my grandmother was waiting for me as she was gasping her last breaths of life. I don’t quite recall if the plane also stopped in Miami, Florida from Texas… which it would have been very frustrating too because Miami is in the same coast as Norfolk, whereas that Texas is in the middle of North America.
I remember each flight been so long, I felt so restless and hopeless that I it is very hard for me to recall any details. Time stops for no one, and this was the fastest time I could arrive to Quito given the circumstances; yet the route was almost twice the length of distance because of the various connections. Back then was not like now when we have smart phones and wi-fi anywhere to check the whereabouts and get updates. International phone calls were prohibited expensive, and you just could not get a reliable connection everywhere. I remember I was not able to do so in the airport for some reason even with my phone card. Remember those?
I sat there in the airport terminal without being able to communicate, just feeling so defeated. Finally, we boarded the plane towards Ecuador, and the flight was long and suffocating. The in-board movie was some Artificial Intelligence movie with Will Smith. I can’t ever watch that movie again, by the way. As we were flying over Bogota Colombia according to the onboard map, I felt this sudden extreme level of sadness. As though there was this ghostly geyser of air that was coming from below the plane and moving up towards the sky as it passed through me.
It is hard to describe it, but it felt like part of my soul was being stolen from me, and this deep sadness followed. It is only about an hour+ or so from Bogota to Quito, and when I arrived at customs, my brother David was waiting for me in the airport terminal. It took forever to cross customs, I remember. He broke down as did I, when he mentioned that she has passed away just almost two hours ago… the same time I felt that immense level of sadness. The house in Ecuador was only a few minutes from the airport at the time. In all arrived by her side two hours late.
I’m not particularly spiritual nor religious person… but I know what I felt. It does not have to be rational, but that was my grandmother meeting me halfway and let me know. I felt immense sorrow – yet I was peaceful – though very, very sad. Never felt something like that before nor after. Some more religious people would think it was her ascending to heaven… sure… if they want to state it that way. I find it more as a matter of intuition and connection between two people. And with this I don’t try to downplay it. In fact, the opposite is true, because there is such a thing as a human connection, even when you’re apart. I fell that with my daughter for instance. When she’s sad, or she’s acting up – I can feel it. I felt it even when I was half a world away during deployment.
When I arrived home, and my grandmother was laying lifeless – she looked so peaceful. They have dressed her in her favorite outfit. She died calling my name, and I was not there for her. I can’t ever change that. That’s why I prefer to stay away from everybody when this time of year arrives.
The very next day was her funeral, and she was cremated later that same day. I’ve stayed in Ecuador for a few days. Ironically, I did not have a bedroom in that house anymore – so I even spent the night in the very same bed she passed away. I needed to go away from that place for some time. I had friends of mine in Ecuador who tried to cheer me up and invited me to go to places out of town. And that actually helped at the time… life was so different back then. I would almost seem insensitive now, but the truth is that I’ve never really have gotten the chance to properly grieve. And I don’t want to grieve. I want to celebrate her life, not sulk on her death. Though the circumstances will hurt and will never heal. Nor I want to heal from that. Again, it is not rational – and to me it does not have to be.
19 years ago, it was her last birthday. She would not leave to have another one. I don’t even know how she celebrated. I was still driving from Florida to Virginia… I think I made the trip in two days. She was in Ecuador, and I could not even call that far because the international phone calls were very hard to make on those days. I remember I stopped in a motel in South Carolina, somewhere along I-95 as I was driving north. Back then hotels did not have wi-fi. In fact, I don’t think wi-fi even existed. So, the best you could hope for was an internet café. I don’t recall seeing one along the way, nor in the hotel itself.
Next day, I made it to the ship in the afternoon, and checked in. That’s a whole other story… because there is quite a tale about it too. I’ll tell you that some other time. Front in my mind was the fact that I was my grandmother’s birthday, and I have missed it. But she understood, I remember her telling me as much when we talked sometime in the future after her birthday.
You know I cannot recall when exactly I was able to wish her happy belated birthday… I might have been able to find a computer somewhere in the liberty center… but I don’t’ think I was even able to do so that first day I arrived. This was a Thursday, so there was going to be work the very next Friday. It was an exciting new chapter in my life, and to be honest I was still trying to get my bearings. I did not own a cell phone anymore at that particular time – I don’t think. I’ve terminated my contract before bootcamp the year prior… To be honest, I don’t even remember when I got a new cell phone.
Come to think about it, how did I ever survive with no cell phone at the time? Well, different times… and landlines were still a thing. I had cell phones before the Navy, but for one reason or the other I lived without one for a long time after I joined. Besides the ship was underway a lot, and it is not like you had signal there in the middle of the sea. Most of my communication was over the computer chat or via email anyway. Sometimes when I called was through one of those payphones using a phone card. And no, back then cell phones would not be convenient to call a different area code.
Now we can call anywhere in the world really with wi-fi or call with your cell phone anywhere in the US with no added cost. Back then, if you called a different area code from your cell phone or land line, you would pay a lot of money for that privilege. I know I did spend a lot of money on phone calls back then. Now, I don’t even answer the phone if it rings. How things have changed.
If you could see the world through my eyes today…
Goodness, if my grandmother could see the world through my eyes today. What would she think? Would she be proud of me? Would she feel I carried the legacy she instilled in me properly? Back then we did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. My grandmother and I did have very different views on the world, and I was just as opinionated back then as I am now. And she was very opinionated herself. She was a product of her generation, and so was I. We approached the circumstances from different points of view.
Which one was better? Hard to say… she thrived either way. Though I disagreed with her a lot, and I have done things my way – I still know she meant well, and she did all she could to give me and my siblings a high-quality of life. She was loving, though she was also capricious. She was not nearly as difficult as my mother was, but she was a spark plug. She was very funny too. Not sure if she intended to, but she was funny.
She had so many friends and acquaintances. There were people visiting her home for tea and for conversations all the time. People just gravitated towards her, and they just loved her so much. She was not mean spirited, but she was very poignant, and assertive. At times she was very naïve, and other times she was sharp like a tack. She loved traveling and moving around. They used to call her “pata caliente” – which is an Ecuadorian slang that roughly translates to “hot feet” – which means that a person is always on the move, or who can’t stay still. And she loved traveling and visiting places even in the same city. For example, the featured photo from this article is us in the Rome back in 1994. This old image was taken in the Roman Forum ruins.
She also loved hosting people at home… back then people would just show up. That’s the way it was. I used to do the same with friends. Sometimes I would to somebody’s house unannounced and hang out there, and they would to the same. Try doing that now, and it would be awkward even with good friends… they might ask you to text them a week before the “play” date… or like ask for more time in anticipation. How thing have changed.
What would she think about the home I’ve built? She never got a chance to meet my wife Alicia, nor my daughter Samantha. Sammy’s middle name carries my grandmother’s namesake Beatriz. Sammy reminds me so much of her. Sammy has a lot of her mannerisms, and even her shenanigans… to include her temper. It is almost incredible how my daughter has so much from her great grandmother, even though they never met. Sammy even looks like her a lot. Except that my grandmother actually had blue eyes. They are just so similar, in so many ways.
My grandmother would have been so happy to spend time with Sammy, I know that for a fact. She would have loved her so much. My grandmother would have loved my wife Alicia too, she’s such a wonderful wife and mother – and I know that would have made my grandmother very happy.
Fast forward 19 years from the day I checked on my first ship onboard USS SEATTLE AOE-3 to today. I am on duty, the entire weekend – Saturday and Sunday… and it’s the fifth day of February – I am on duty onboard USS COLE DDG 67. My first and my last ship. I won’t be onboard any other Navy ship any other subsequent time when my grandmother birthday takes place. I am supposed to retire the last day of January in 2024. Her next birthday I’ll be a civilian once again… after 20+ years of military service.
I reflect upon this as I yet again realize that time has gone so fast, yet so much has happened in between. I don’t regret joining the Navy – after all if it was not the Navy, I would have not met my wife and my daughter would have never existed. Also, I’ve experienced more significantly unique events that I can even count. And I was able to enact great impact on this nation that welcomed me as a citizen. But along with the military service there are also a lot of moments of deep sadness, and I’ve lost the three women who raised me. My grandmother, my mother and my great-aunt. All three passed away while I was away. And nothing I can even do will change that.
The sadness will never fade. And I keep saying it… I don’t want it to fade away. It is not rational, but it makes sense to me. And only to me, in the way I see it. I’ll bounce back to normal after this process takes place. There have been many times when February 5 has collied with duties and responsibilities. This is the last time that will happen. From now on, until the end of my life I’ll be able to celebrate her birthday as a remembrance of her life. I look at my reflection on the screen as I type… I am not the young man I was that last time we saw each other.
It was a cold night, even for Florida… much like it is a cold night today in Virginia. I’m a big proponent that no matter the distance, a strong heart never sets you apart. But being physically apart from those we love is not an easy task. I’ve endured a lot of that through the years. And that started from that very first night I left for the Navy. Actually, I’ve experienced that before also, but that’s a different story.
If she could see the world through my eyes, she would see a happy family. She would see a distinguished military career. She would see a person who’s been able to make many dreams become tangible realities. She would see that deep inside, despite the years there is still that person she raised and loved. She would see that a lot of the disagreements we had, I was actually ultimately in the right. And yes, I did just say that. But she would have been proud, because I made it. And I became the person I was mean to be. I am father and a husband, and somebody who’s generally speaking a happy person. She would have been proud to see that most of the dreams I told her I had a child are in fact a reality today. She would see that the spark in my life has continued to shine, and that I continue to grow and dare dream big – like I did back then. She would see that my previous daring dreams are real, they exist – they happened.
She would have been so happy to have some conversations about the past, and about our experiences. She would enjoy so much the new technology, and the fun gadgets we have today. She would have loved reading my crazy rants and the way I rationalize my world. She would have understood finally what’s in my crazy mind – because it took a long time for me to understand myself. She would have continue loving me for who I am, even with all my many idiosyncrasies.
I don’t know for sure where we all go after we leave this world. I can’t prove it one way or the other, no matter what anybody believes. I still experience sadness, and so much pain when this time comes around. My eyes are in the verge of welling – yet no tears every shed. Not one tear, not ever. Yet the tears are so close, I don’t hold back… yet they just never shed.
Like I said, I don’t know where a soul goes after we depart… but I know that in my mind she’s always alive. And she’ll be alive in my memories as long I am alive too. I don’t know where I will be. And I know that my memories, though they might coincide in some instances with my siblings; they have their memories, and I have mine. I know that around this time, we all have a sense of sorrow. The difference is that I was the only one that was not by her side in her final hours – she was waiting for me stretching her last bit of strength, and I arrived two hours late. I can’t ever change that.
So much has happened since that day. Some of the happiest days of my life were after her death. I got married, my daughter was born. They are now my world… my two girls. The three ladies who raised me are all gone. The two ladies who are my family they are now my whole world. Yet I am here, on duty… just 20 minutes away from my house… my girls are at home, I am here. My daughter caught a cold, she’s been moody and happy at the same time. She’s such a good kid, even when she has her moments. I have an amazing loving wife. My loving life is so good to me and Sammy. My life is happy, and some might even say enviable.
I wish many times my grandmother would be able to see it with her own eyes. And I always wonder would her reaction and comments would be. She always had something to say… much like my wife and daughter.
I know that today will inevitably need me to interact with people. And I don’t intent to be unpleasant to anybody. Yet, I’ll keep my sorrow to myself, and I’ll try to make myself as scarce as possible. Afterall, it is Sunday… and Sundays are normally quieter days. We work hard all week, we play hard… and sometimes we need time to just be there. That’s me today… I’m just being there in my own thoughts. Being here… and I am keeping to myself.
However, maybe one day you will stumble upon my words as I wrote them today. Thank you for staying with me and reading this far. Meanwhile, Happy Birthday dear grandmother, wherever you are – in my thoughts you’ll always be alive. Thank you for putting up with me all those years, I can only wonder what your thoughts of me would be today. Love, your grandson. HLC
Epilogue: After I finished writing this article the day inevitably got “exciting” – and not necessarily in a good way. Without getting into any details, we had two security alert events (both got resolved without much incident professionally), and one instance of “white smoke” which activated our in-port emergency team (this also got resolved expeditiously and professionally). And after that when I thought it would be quiet finally, sometime before midnight I had to take go and aid to a Sailor off ship (this also got resolved in a good note). Exactly what I wanted, which was a quiet day and stay juts to myself – it did not happen. I had to be participant on every event… as I expected but was wishing it would not have to be something I wanted to deal with – not today. With that said, I was able to honor the memory of my grandmother – the best way I could. But just wanted to point out, THAT’s exactly the reason why I would normally take time off… because you never know what will happen from one moment to the next. I posted this article on the day after, but the effective date is February 5, 2023.
